Dances With Eidolons (mesila) wrote in lovewithoutsex,
Dances With Eidolons

Hope this community isn't TOO dead

Because I'm feeling that way and am seeking support.

Shortest Version of lifelovestory I can give: I'm in a polyamorous triangle, more like a V actually I guess is the term, with my mate D of 10 years, his capital-L Lover G., and me.

It's truly tragic.

There's a 12 year age difference between myself and the other two who are the same age. I'm 41. When D and I first got together he was 18 and I was his first woman.

When I was that age I had an obsession with multiple-partner sex although had grown out of it. When D wanted me to make it with hism and my best friend I acceded to it without truly wanting to. I have never been with anyone else since then other than D.

Well, it turned out that she'd lied when queried about diseases and though we used all sorts of caution it turned out D. didn't get the herpes but I did. What's more it's asymptomatic.

Still, D put it like this: it was not worth the risk to G. to continue having sex with me, but he still loved me as a friend and wanted to continue living with me but G would be his physical partner.

Naturally though I know life's not fucking FAIR this is sometimes just too much to bear.

The thing is, for lots of reasons I won't go into, some rational and others not, D is really the only person I want to be intimate with. Anyone else would be going downhill. Until G came along things were PERFECT. It was horrible that in order to protect her (she's 29 but very very sheltered) I had to lose my sexuality. G. lives in England and sometimes G comes here and sometimes D goes and flies there. D and I live together in San Francisco.

D and G want to find somewhere to move and live together. It becomes even more complex. G has a husband, P. These two are ALSO in a completely non sexual relationship and were before D came along, but she'll go nowhere without him, and he apparently can't get to the United States without a lot of horrid paperwork hassles.

There has been almost 2 years of my relationship with D decaying and I can't believe he still wants to be with me at all, but I'll take what I can get. It is not as though I'm ever going to have another lover especially since I have this stupid virus, the equivalent, to me, of a computer virus which flashes on the screen "You have a virus" as its only payload and yet COULD carry the worse form to someone else.

I've done everything I can to do the right thing by these friends of mine. But sometimes I bust out crying and cannot stop and I HATE crying, I am too old to be an emo kid, this is NOT cool. How does anyone live without sex, period? I have had no sex in over a year. My conditions for attractivity in a partner are far, far too narrow but this seems unchangeable.

Hope there might be some support here and if not perhaps someone could point me to where there would be. Sometimes I feel at the end of my rope.
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