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Love Without Sex
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Love Without Sex's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, May 12th, 2009
4:33 pm
Hi, I just ran across this comm and thought I might introduce myself as it says to. :)

I'm 46, bi, (new to) poly, and have MPD/DID due to severe childhood abuse. Because of that I've had sexual aversion, which has caused untold problems in my marriage (almost 22 years now). My husband probably has MPD/DID also (undiagnosed but I've had talks with his alters, so I know they're there).

We've done all kinds of therapy but for the past year or so we haven't had sex with each other. We still care about each other but neither of us really wants to anyway so why force it?

It was nice to find this group in that it's odd talking about this with other people, who seem to think no sex = divorce or something.

Anyway, hope someone is still here.
Thursday, May 10th, 2007
6:50 am
Hope this community isn't TOO dead
Because I'm feeling that way and am seeking support.

Shortest Version of lifelovestory I can give: I'm in a polyamorous triangle, more like a V actually I guess is the term, with my mate D of 10 years, his capital-L Lover G., and me.

It's truly tragic.

There's a 12 year age difference between myself and the other two who are the same age. I'm 41. When D and I first got together he was 18 and I was his first woman.

When I was that age I had an obsession with multiple-partner sex although had grown out of it. When D wanted me to make it with hism and my best friend I acceded to it without truly wanting to. I have never been with anyone else since then other than D.

Well, it turned out that she'd lied when queried about diseases and though we used all sorts of caution it turned out D. didn't get the herpes but I did. What's more it's asymptomatic.

Still, D put it like this: it was not worth the risk to G. to continue having sex with me, but he still loved me as a friend and wanted to continue living with me but G would be his physical partner.

Naturally though I know life's not fucking FAIR this is sometimes just too much to bear.

The thing is, for lots of reasons I won't go into, some rational and others not, D is really the only person I want to be intimate with. Anyone else would be going downhill. Until G came along things were PERFECT. It was horrible that in order to protect her (she's 29 but very very sheltered) I had to lose my sexuality. G. lives in England and sometimes G comes here and sometimes D goes and flies there. D and I live together in San Francisco.

D and G want to find somewhere to move and live together. It becomes even more complex. G has a husband, P. These two are ALSO in a completely non sexual relationship and were before D came along, but she'll go nowhere without him, and he apparently can't get to the United States without a lot of horrid paperwork hassles.

There has been almost 2 years of my relationship with D decaying and I can't believe he still wants to be with me at all, but I'll take what I can get. It is not as though I'm ever going to have another lover especially since I have this stupid virus, the equivalent, to me, of a computer virus which flashes on the screen "You have a virus" as its only payload and yet COULD carry the worse form to someone else.

I've done everything I can to do the right thing by these friends of mine. But sometimes I bust out crying and cannot stop and I HATE crying, I am too old to be an emo kid, this is NOT cool. How does anyone live without sex, period? I have had no sex in over a year. My conditions for attractivity in a partner are far, far too narrow but this seems unchangeable.

Hope there might be some support here and if not perhaps someone could point me to where there would be. Sometimes I feel at the end of my rope.
Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
4:57 am
Extreme Celibacy
Hi everyone,
I have just joined LiveJournal and have posted about my own celibacy journey here. I look forward to discussion.
Thursday, September 8th, 2005
4:14 pm
I need love :(
I am 20/F/cali.
Lately I have been depressed and lonely. I feel that nobody else is like me. I want a loving relationship.. but without sex. Are there any guys who want this. I feel like I will never find the right one. I just want someone to be able to hold me and love me without wanting to get into my pants. I am also very self conscience because I don't have a perfect body. I am a big girl and that is another reason I feel that I won't find the right one because most guys don't want big girls. Am I the only one who feels like this (about the celibacy part)?
Please help. I feel like a weirdo.

Thursday, August 11th, 2005
7:51 pm
Crushes Without Sex
Dr. Fisher, the author of "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love," said girl crushes are as natural as any other kind of love. But they are romantic without being sexual. Love and lust are distinct urges, Dr. Fisher said.

Okay, so it's not committed love without sex, but the New York Times has an article on girl crushes.
Friday, July 8th, 2005
5:04 pm
Introduction and a Question
Hi. As you probably read, I'm the new maintainer. Just to introduce myself, I'm 22, asexual (that is to say, not attracted to men, women, or anything in between), and interested in love without sex because of the aforementioned asexuality (not that I've ever been in such a relationship). It's my ideal type of relationship, and any relationship I got into wouldn't be sexually "normal"; there'd always be the lack of sexual attraction on my part, if nothing else.

Feel free to promote this community wherever you like.

Since this is a very quiet community (and since I'm mod now and don't really have an excuse to be shy anymore), I'll put something I've been wondering about out for discussion. Do you think a romantic relationship without not only sex but sexual attraction can work? Does romance require sexual attraction, even if it's never acted on (in the sense that it's simply not possible to be in love with or have a crush on someone without being attracted to them)? What if only one partner (or up to n - 1 partners, for a system of n people) lacks that attraction?

Personally, I've tended to vacillate on this. Yes, I'm one of those nerdy sorts that gets crushes on book characters and (occasionally) people I barely know online, but that's not the same as falling for someone you actually know, or are face-to-face with in the flesh. And yes, I've known of other people who say they're asexual and in love, but I've tended to be dubious. Many of them seem to just not be attracted to people because they've got low sex drives; I assumed that enough attraction was left in spite of that, though, to create romantic interest. And others-- well, they're not sexual. If being in love requires sexual attraction, then an asexual person is not going to be able to experience romantic love in the first place, and so can't say that they're in love but not sexually attracted. The common wisdom, even among the experts I've seen, seems to be that romance is an outgrowth of sexual attraction -- you can't have the former without the latter -- and I've not been entirely willing to totally reject that. This study (assuming the article is an accurate representation of it) has me rethinking that, however. If the results are repeated, and turn out to mean the same things the article says they mean, it's certainly a hopeful development for someone like me, who wants romance but just isn't attracted to people.
6:31 pm
Ladies and gentlemen..
Please say a very big hello to your new maintainer, inkburrow. I'm sorry I've not had more time to look after this community and I wish you all well in the future!
Thursday, May 26th, 2005
1:08 pm
Article about 'asexually'-oriented people in Salon
Salon.com has an article titled, "Asexual and proud!", which you can read here. (It will ask you to view an advertisement before you can see the article if you're not a salon.com member.)

It's actually quite an even-sided article in some ways, presenting both elements, although it's structured in a way to tacitly endorse asexuality as an orientation, so people opposed to that idea may find it less so.

I like the point raised by David Jay at the end of the article, which is what I was thinking throughout. There seems to be an underlying assumption in several of the interviewees' views that if by any means possible somebody can be made to enjoy sex, then they should be -- that by allowing people comfort in their lack of interest in sex, a great disservice is being done to those who might be 'fixable'. I'm not sure why enjoying sex, if the people have happy and fulfilled life without it, is such a focal element. If someone really feels the lack of it in their life and is 'resigned to their fate', then I can see the argument, but if they're living a totally happy life that happens to not have sex in it, then what needs to be 'fixed' there?

(Note: Disclosure of perspective -- I do engage in and enjoy sex, and during the times in my life in which my sex drive was nonexistent or in which I was actively avoiding sex, I did feel that it was something I wanted to address.)

Current Mood: thoughtful
Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
12:37 pm

I'm a 18 year-old girl who has never done anything sexual (not even kiss) and my reasons for that seem to vary. I've come to know that a part of myself seems scared to do anything sexual. I feel like I would have to be really comfortable with that person. I've come to see that I may never feel comfortable enough with a person to be with them in a sexual way, but I have learned to see how wonderful relationships without sex can be. :) I would not mind maybe one day getting into a non-sexual relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I am glad I found this community. :)
Monday, May 16th, 2005
12:33 am
25+ and still a virgin?
I'm being bad and cross posting this to a few forums, but I'm doing so in hopes that many people will take interest in this new community which I trust will benefit many.


This is a forum primarily for those of us over the age of 25 who have chosen premarital abstinence but are now finding ourselves in a minority among young and older adults. As most of our "true love waits" peers have married in their early twenties, we face a unique challenge as an unmarried adult in our late twenties, thirties, even forties.

Although this forum was designed with vigins in mind, I equally welcome those over 25 who have chosen second virginity and are living in abstinence; as well as anyone who is now married who was a virgin past the age of 25. (25 is the magic number, but if you're a bit younger and really want to join, let me know, I make a few exceptions.)

If you're an older virgin by choice and struggle at times with staying true to your commitment, this community is for you. My hope is that we can join together to support and encourage one another to stay on the road we've chosen and travelled on for so long.
Thursday, April 14th, 2005
2:29 pm
Hi, I am new, but I personally would like to see this community get rolling a bit.
Hi. My name is Dawnielle. I have been, for the last year, in a relationship that doesn't involve sex. We both are open, non-denominational christians, who just want to wait until marriage to have sex. It's hard sometimes, especially for me, but we get through it. I live in Duluth Minnesota, with my boy friend Herbie, our cat Matilda and our bunny Quazy. We just recently moved here from Washington state, due to family issues in my family. My family wouldn't except the fact that Herbie and I are together. Both of us are blind and they all thought I should be with someone sighted, who could drive me around, and take care of me. Like i need taken care of! Anyway, we just moved here and I'm just trying to scope out LJ and make friends. I joined LJ over a year ago, but have only just started posting in communities. So, if you'd like, let's get this community talking! Let's talk about the hardships we face. I myself, have been faced with doubt on sooo many occations, by friends and people in general. "Can you really do it? It must be soooo hard!" All that stuff. Share your experiences and if you'd like, post the alternatives for sex that you have. I know I'm not the moderator, so please don't get mad at me for seeming like I'm taking over. I'm just trying to get this place to talk some more.
Take care and God bless,

Current Mood: happy
Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
11:15 pm
Greetings everyone
Hi all. Interesting group you have here. I'm not necessarily opposed to sex. Its just not a priority to me. I prefer love first. I hope abstinance isnt manditory.

I used to be a very strict pentecostal-christian growing up. I guess nowadays its called SXE (straight edge?) I got to a point that i realized i was pushing people away from me when i should love them regardless of their own lifestyle or beliefs. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area now. Needless to say I've grown to "love thy neighbor" a little more.

Current Mood: exhausted
Saturday, February 5th, 2005
9:51 pm
Waving hello
Hi everyone, per the community info request, here I am introducing myself having joined today.

I'm in a long term non-sexual relationship (nearly 9 years) and we're quite happy with how things are. So I may not have a lot to say, it's not a problem driven thing for us.

Thanks to epi_lj who told me about this community, cheers!
Friday, September 10th, 2004
11:45 am
Medical problems
I'd love a physical, sexual relationship with a woman. Unfortunately I have medical problems - diabetes, coronary artery disease that makes penetrative sex not possible. The spirit is willing, so to speak, but the flesh is weak.

Can anyone offer any perspectives?

Monday, September 6th, 2004
10:56 pm
hi, my name is jen and i'm 20, from australia.

i actually just found this community as i've become confused and needed to surround myself with people in similar situations. i have been celibate for over two years, out of need, not want. i just wasn't coping mentally with the act of sex and don't really see myself ever functioning in a sexual relationship.
except there is someone i want to be in a relationship with and that feeling is mutual, only they can't accept my celibacy. i feel like their inability to accept it means i'm not enough without the physical and i fear this "issue" (as everyone likes to call it - which they all think i can overcome if i try hard enough) will prevent love in the future.

but i guess this community proves otherwise.

Tuesday, May 18th, 2004
7:27 pm
Hi my name is Shauna and I am 23 years old. I am married and we have been together for 3 years and married for 1 1/2. We don't have sex and never have had sex the entire time we have been together. I didn't realize that I would ever be in a relationship like this or that a lot of other people have relationships like it. I'm glad to find a community of people who are like us. He is the reason we don't have sex though I do wish sometimes that we did. There is something wrong physically with him and having sex is out of the question plus he just doesn't care about it. I am just now coming to terms with this and trying to learn to live with it. I am really starting to believe that it is possible to be married and not have sex and I am happy right now.

Current Mood: determined
Friday, April 23rd, 2004
11:10 pm
My name's Isolde. I am a straight polyamourous female. I have been married for ten years and am married to a man who, though we love each other, we do not have sex. I have discovered, though the changes in my life, that he is bi, though much higher on the gay side.

A friend mentioned this site to me on the hopes it might add insight. It took a long time for me to realize that love didn't need to have sex in it. I only became poly 2 years ago.

I am in a relationship with Nez, though not one with his wife.

Anyway, this is me.
Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
10:04 pm
New here
Hello everyone.

I'm Mallory. I'm an 18 year old female (19 in Sept). I live in a surburb of Philadelphia, PA.

I am bisexual and polyamorous.

I live with my boyfriend (who is also poly), in his parents house (along with the two cats).

I am a virgin, currently. I have had a lot of issues with sex in the past. I would love to get involved in a love without sex relationship. ^_^

I saw this community and had to join.

I just wanted to say hello.

I hope everyone is having a great night. ^_^

Current Mood: calm
Sunday, April 11th, 2004
1:30 pm
I am so glad to have found this community. As a bisexual recently interested in polyamory, I have had a hard time trying to reconcile my views on sex with my capacity for love. I have a feeling that it might be very possible for me to maintain more than one deeply loving and intimate relationship at one time, and allow the others I'm with to do the same. My feelings about sex, however, throw quite a large wrench into this whole mechanism.

I believe that promiscuity is a large part (if not most) of what is wrong in our society. My answer to the STDs question and the Abortion question alike is, "Keep it in your pants." I'm not bad-mouthing those who choose to be sexually open, I just believe that too many people in this world are having sex without knowing or caring what love and commitment are, as I have said in other communities while trying to sort this out within myself.

It is truly hard for me to find partners because of my views on sex. I do not trust contraceptives and I do not want a child right now. I have actually been told that this is the reason I don't have a male SO. I would not be willing to have sex with any man I date until many months into the relationship, if then. I am not opposed to other things that fall short of sex, I just believe that I should be worth it for a person to wait for, and to lower that personal standard would be unforgivable within my own person psyche.

Anyway... I'm rambling. I just wanted to say that it's good to see a community like this. There are lots of reasons to choose not to have sex and these are merely my own thoughts. I welcome comments and conversation, and I look forward to hearing other people's views and ideas.

Current Mood: relieved
Wednesday, April 7th, 2004
8:28 pm
now that people seem to be awake
At what point do we define love? And, if that is inapprorpiate, at what point SHOULD we define love? Can we get away with it in our society?
To put together information from other posts here, one person mentioned that how we define love is messed up in western society, and another mentioned being tired of being told she was not in a relationship becaue there is no fucking. How new is that? I mean wouldn't someone who's been courting for 20 years in 'yon olden days' be considered in a relationship. Aren't teens who are waiting for the right person (it does happen) actually in relationships? At what age are we 'no longer waiting?'
Why does a society that preaches abstinence to kids, seem to abhor it in adults? Obviously this is complicated. I think part of it teen pressure, and peoples lack of understanding of themselves. As we have revalued abstinence, and become more accepting of promiscuity (which in and of itself is a good thing) we still seem to have this need to attach value to sex. The new value instead of being 'what happens after you get married unless your a slut' is 'what is required for a relationship'. As a Poly Educator, I have had to notice, that more than others. I mean people defend their own marriages by saying htat best friend they see every day is not cheating, because it's not a relationship. But the ONLY difference is the sex. No one can seem to point out to me what else you define a relationship by. Me I would think both people would have to agree they are in an intamite romantic relationship, but i'm not even sure that's accurate. Some people don't express those things so well. and if we are pursuing sex, but not having it, that's considered a relationship too. It's all so confusing to me.

Current Mood: contemplative
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